People Pleasing, Perfectionism, and Anxiety

People Pleasing, Perfectionism, and Anxiety

You did what they said: go to school, work hard, be better.
Then adulthood pulled up with high demands, student loans, rent that looks like a phone number, and a to‑do list that never ends. You are trying to finish assignments, be there for your friends, hit the gym, meal prep, maybe meditate, and still somehow build the rich, soft life you dreamed of.

Some mornings, though, you would rather disappear under the covers. You still get up, log into work or class, and do your best, because that is what we were taught: keep pushing, do not drop the ball, do not complain.

The Extra Layer for Black and Brown Folks

If you are from Black or brown communities, there is a whole extra syllabus nobody asked for.
You are carrying your ancestors, immigrant parents, “do not embarrass this family” expectations, and the unspoken rule that because your skin glows and your coils are popping, you have to work twice as hard just to be seen as “enough.”

You are told to avoid conflict, be nice, be grateful, and do not cause problems. And in this economy, you feel like you cannot afford to stay in bed, even when your nervous system has clocked out.

So you get up anyway. You brush your hair (or throw on that trusty messy bun for the camera), pull yourself together, put on something that hopefully fits, and head out, just in case you see that cutie on the train.

High Achievers: Anxious but Still Showing Up

You go to work, smile at people you can barely tolerate, crank through what you can, answer emails, hop on meetings, and pretend your eye is not twitching. Some days you are bright‑eyed and on point. Other days you feel like you were dragged back from the dead, but you are still the “reliable” one.

Then you go home to screaming kids, roommates, partners, pets, group chats, or all of the above. It is not even dinner time, and your brain is already sending “today drained me” memes. You crash into bed wondering, “Why am I always anxious?” and that is before we even mention systemic oppression, capitalism, or the world imploding on the news.

Welcome to high‑functioning anxiety. You look “together” on the outside and feel like a browser with 37 tabs open on the inside.

What Is People Pleasing?

People pleasing is not just being kind, it is fear dressed up as “I am just easygoing.”
It is:

• Saying yes when your whole body is screaming no.
• Staying late, responding fast, and over‑explaining so no one is “upset” with you.
• Replaying conversations to make sure you did not sound rude.
• Prioritizing everyone else’s comfort over your own nervous system.

Underneath it is the fear of disappointing people, being seen as “difficult,” or losing love, safety, or opportunities. For many of us, especially Black women and femmes, people pleasing started as survival. It kept the peace at home, at school, and at work. Now it is running your life and feeding your anxiety.

Perfectionism: The Polished Mask

Perfectionism is not always the loud “I am better than you” energy. Sometimes it is:

• Deleting the same email five times so it sounds “just right.”
• Avoiding new projects because if it is not perfect, why try.
• Feeling like any mistake means you are the mistake.
• Being highly self‑critical and never celebrating wins.

Perfectionism and anxiety work together very well. Perfectionism whispers, “If you just do everything perfectly, you will finally relax.” Anxiety replies, “Actually, let us go over everything that could go wrong in detail.” High achievers often look successful while secretly stuck in constant self‑judgment and excessive worry.

Anxiety: The Background Noise You Cannot Mute

Anxiety is not always dramatic. It is not just the person pacing, panicking, or crying in the bathroom, although it can look like that too. Sometimes anxiety is quieter, a steady hum in the background that never really shuts off.

Everyone experiences anxiety sometimes. But if you are noticing common anxiety symptoms more days than not, it may be an anxiety disorder:

• Uneasiness, that “Do I even belong here?” feeling.
• Restlessness, leg shaking, cannot sit still.
• Chest tightness or feeling like you cannot get a deep breath.
• Feeling on edge or easily startled, “Why am I so snappy?”
• Racing thoughts that will not slow down.
• Ruminations, replaying the same stories over and over.
• Excessive worry about anything and everything, even when nothing is “wrong.”
• Irritability, “Why is everyone getting on my nerves?”
• Trouble sleeping, headaches, stomach issues, and fatigue.

If you have ever thought, “Why am I always anxious?” and you cannot remember the last time your mind felt calm, that is your sign something deeper is going on, not that you are “dramatic” or “weak.”

What Can You Actually Do About It?

You cannot eliminate stress, unless you have figured out how to opt out of capitalism, but you can increase your bandwidth to handle it without burning out.

Grounding and calming your body

• 5‑4‑3‑2‑1 grounding:
  Name 5 things you can see, 4 you can feel, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, and 1 you can taste. This pulls your brain out of the “what if” spiral and back into the present.
• Box breathing:
  Inhale for 4, hold for 4, exhale for 4, and hold for 4. Repeat several times to calm your nervous system. These simple techniques help reduce physical anxiety symptoms like a racing heart and shortness of breath.

These practices will not fix systemic stress, but they give your body a chance to stand down from constant emergency mode.

Folic Acid, L‑Theanine, Magnesium, and Anxiety

Let us talk nutrients, because your brain is part of your body, and both need support.

Folic acid and anxiety

Folic acid, vitamin B9, helps your brain make neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine, which are important in mood regulation. Low folate levels have been linked to increased anxiety symptoms and mood issues, and some people see improvement when folate or methylfolate is added alongside therapy or medications.

That does not mean everyone needs to buy huge folic acid bottles tomorrow. It means:

• If you struggle with anxiety or depression, it can be worth checking for nutrient deficiencies.
• Supplementation should be guided by a professional who can look at your whole picture, medications, and labs.

L‑theanine

L‑theanine is an amino acid, often from green tea, that can promote a relaxed but focused state by influencing calming brain chemicals. Some small studies suggest that 200 to 400 mg per day may help reduce stress and mild anxiety in some adults. Many people like it because it tends to be calming without making them groggy.

Magnesium glycinate

Magnesium plays a role in regulating the nervous system and calming excessive excitatory signaling. Magnesium glycinate is often used for:

• Somatic anxiety, such as muscle tension, jaw clenching, and tightness.
• Sleep support and evening wind‑down.

As with all supplements, natural does not automatically mean safe for everyone. Interactions, medical conditions, and proper dosing matter, which is where working with a psychiatric provider helps.

When to Consider Medication and Professional Help

If you are noticing:

• Constant excessive worry you cannot turn off.
• Common anxiety symptoms that are interfering with sleep, relationships, school, or work.
• Panic attacks, depression, or feeling numb and disconnected.

You do not have to keep white‑knuckling life.

Medication will not erase who you are. Used thoughtfully, it can turn the volume down enough so you can actually use your coping skills, show up for therapy, and make the lifestyle changes you have been trying to make for years.

At Holistic Haven, I work with adults across Illinois using:

• Trauma‑informed, identity‑affirming care, especially for Black and brown folks who are tired of explaining themselves.
• A combination of medication management, lifestyle changes, and nervous‑system‑friendly strategies.
• Conversations about supplements like folic acid, magnesium glycinate, and L‑theanine when appropriate, not as one‑size‑fits‑all fixes.

If you are tired of being the strong friend, the fixer, or the quiet overachiever who is secretly falling apart, this is your sign to get support, not just another coffee.

You are allowed to want joy, rest, and peace, and you are allowed to get help to get there.