When Life Gets Hard, Sleep Is Usually the First Thing to Go

By Crystal Goods, PMHNP-BC

There have been seasons in my life where I'd lie down exhausted, completely drained, and still couldn't sleep. My mind wouldn't stop. The worry, the grief, the to-do lists, the "what ifs" all showed up the moment my head hit the pillow.

If that sounds familiar, I want you to know: you are not broken. Your body and mind are responding exactly the way they were designed to respond to stress and pain. But that doesn't mean you have to just suffer through it.

As a psychiatric nurse practitioner, I talk to people every single day who are exhausted but can't rest. And as a Black woman who has navigated her own hard seasons, I know this isn't just clinical. It's deeply personal.

So let's talk about it honestly.

Why Hard Seasons Wreck Your Sleep

 When you're going through something difficult, a loss, a breakup, financial stress, a health scare, burnout, grief, or just the weight of too much, your nervous system kicks into high gear.

Your body releases stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. These are survival chemicals. They're meant to keep you alert when there's danger. The problem? Your brain doesn't always know the difference between a physical threat and an emotional one. So it stays on guard. It keeps you awake. It wakes you up at 2am and starts replaying conversations. It makes you feel like you can't afford to rest, even when rest is exactly what you need.

This is not a character flaw. This is biology.

What's Actually Happening in Your Body

Here's a simple breakdown:

What's happening: 
Cortisol stays elevated at night
Nervous system stuck in "fight or flight:
Rumination and worry loops
Disrupted circadian rhythm

What it feels like:
Can't fall asleep, mind racing
Waking up frequently, feeling wired 
Replaying events, catastrophizing
Sleeping at odd hours or not at all
Sleeping too much and not feeling rested

All of this makes sense. And all of it can be addressed.

Real Talk: What Actually Helps

I'm not going to tell you to just "drink chamomile tea and think positive thoughts." That's not realistic when you're in the middle of something hard. Let's talk about what actually moves the needle.

1. 🧠 Acknowledge What You're Carrying

Before you try any sleep strategy, give yourself permission to name what's going on. Not to fix it, just to acknowledge it.

Sometimes our bodies won't rest because we haven't let ourselves fully feel what we're going through. Journaling for even 5 minutes before bed, dumping your thoughts on paper, can help your brain stop trying to hold everything overnight.

"I write it down so my mind doesn't have to keep track of it."

2. 📵 Create a Wind-Down Buffer

Your brain needs a transition period between "doing" and "sleeping." Most of us go from full speed to pillow and wonder why we can't shut off.

Try a 30 to 60 minute wind-down window before bed:

·       Dim the lights

·       Put the phone down (scrolling keeps your brain activated)

·       Do something low-stimulation, like light reading, a warm shower, gentle stretching, quiet music or a podcast you've heard before

This signals to your nervous system: it's safe to slow down.

3. 🌬️ Regulate Your Nervous System First

If your body is in stress mode, you have to physiologically calm it down before sleep will come. Try:

Box Breathing:

·       Inhale for 4 counts

·       Hold for 4 counts

·       Exhale for 4 counts

·       Hold for 4 counts

·       Repeat 4 to 6 times

This directly activates your parasympathetic nervous system, the "rest and digest" system. It works. It's free. And you can do it in bed. 

4. 🕐 Keep a Consistent Wake Time (Even When It's Hard)

I know this one is tough to hear. But one of the most powerful things you can do for your sleep is wake up at the same time every day, even on weekends, even when you didn't sleep well.

Your circadian rhythm runs on consistency. When everything else in life feels chaotic, this one anchor can help regulate your sleep drive over time.

5. 🛏️ Reserve Your Bed for Sleep

If you're lying in bed scrolling, eating, working, or worrying for hours, your brain starts to associate your bed with wakefulness. This is called conditioned arousal, and it's more common than you think.

Try to use your bed only for sleep (and intimacy). If you've been awake for more than 20 to 30 minutes and can't sleep, get up, do something calm in low light, and come back when you feel sleepy again. It feels counterintuitive, but it retrains the association. 

6. 💬 Don't Ignore the Emotional Weight

Sleep strategies only go so far if the underlying stress or pain isn't being addressed.

If you're in a genuinely hard season, grief, trauma, depression, anxiety, a major life transition, please talk to someone. A therapist, a counselor, a psychiatrist or NP. Not because something is wrong with you, but because you deserve actual support.

As a provider, I will tell you plainly: untreated depression and anxiety are among the biggest drivers of sleep disruption. Sleep hygiene helps, but it's not a substitute for real care.

A Word to My Community

We have often been taught, directly or indirectly, to push through. To keep going. To not complain. To handle it. And many of us carry a level of chronic stress that the research actually has a name for: weathering, the physical and psychological toll of navigating racism, systemic stress, and having to constantly prove yourself in spaces that weren't built for you.

That weight affects your sleep. It affects your health. And you deserve rest just as much as anyone else.

Rest is not laziness. Rest is not weakness. Rest is resistance. Rest is medicine.

When to Seek Professional Help

Please reach out to a provider if you're experiencing:

·       Difficulty sleeping most nights for more than 2 to 3 weeks

·       Sleep disruption paired with low mood, hopelessness, or anxiety

·       Using alcohol or substances to help you sleep

·       Sleeping excessively but still feeling empty or exhausted

·       Thoughts of self-harm or not wanting to be here

You don't have to white-knuckle your way through this alone.

The Bottom Line

Hard seasons are real. The toll they take on your sleep is real. And the path back to rest isn't about perfection. It's about small, consistent steps that tell your body: I'm safe. I can rest now.

Start with one thing from this list. Just one. And be patient with yourself.

You're not failing. You're surviving. And with the right support, you will get through this.

If you found this helpful, share it with someone who might need it. And if you're ready to work with someone who gets it, schedule online at www.MyHolisticHaven.org